Frozen
by cheekymonkey06
Summary: What could possibly motivate Kathryn Janeway to give up her one vice?


Kathryn Janeway held a steaming mug of herbal tea between her icy hands with the futile hope that some of its warmth would somehow leech deep into her body and thaw the frigid shell that had formed. Most of the time, she didn't even miss coffee; it had really never been anything more than a coping mechanism, a security blanket that wrapped her in a warm cocoon in the cold, lonely vacuum of space. She was always cold now it seemed.

Kathryn hated being cold.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled her cashmere shawl tighter around her shoulders and sank deeper into the cushions of her sofa. Bursts of red and green softly illuminated her face as she watched fireworks burst above the Golden Gate Bridge.

Today was always bittersweet. Decidedly more bitter than sweet. She had gotten Voyager home, but in the end it left her empty. That was all she had to live for after-

"No." She whispered.

She rarely let her introspection travel down this path. It was too painful. Despite her efforts to the contrary, memories long pushed back raced to the forefront of her mind.

Janeway's head went back on her shoulders as a husky chuckle shook her sparse frame. A gentle quirk of the lips was the only outward indication of Sevens amusement.

"The ambassador was a bit dull, Seven, but I hardly think a Vulcan poetry reading is a fair comparison."

When Seven was with her like this, sitting on her sofa with the soft light from the stars illuminating her face; it was easy to forget the gaping chasm in her chest. Marriage had softened the young woman somehow. There was gentleness in her smile and a lightness in her tone.

"He spent 43.6 minutes engaged in irrelevant conversation with you"

"43 minutes?" Janeway smirked

"43.6 yes."

"He was just being friendly and doing his diplomatic duties"

"Incorrect Captain, the ambassador wished to copulate with you" Seven insisted her mouth twisting as if she had just tasted something unpleasant. Meanwhile Janeway was coughing and spluttering in an attempt to dislodge the gulp of coffee she had just inhaled. "Seven!" She wheezed, "That's preposterous! He wanted no such thing" Janeway insisted.

"I overheard him stating that he wished to 'Take you roughly and make you scream to your deity' it took a considerable amount of restraint to prevent myself from damaging him, instead I informed him it was in his best interest to refrain from speaking of you in such a manner" venom was practically glistening from every word.

Color was staining Janeway's cheeks as she placed her hand on seven's thigh "I'm sorry you had to hear that Seven, and thank you for defending my honor." Grinning she gave Sevens leg a gentle pat, and reached forward to refill her cup with more of her vice.

"You're welcome... Captain... That is the fourth cup I have witnessed you ingest today. Your consumption of that beverage is excessive."

Before Janeway had time to react, Seven had divested her of the cup and was striding arrogantly towards the replicator. Several protests clamored to for attention in the redheads brain, but all that came out was an unintelligible string of half formed words. A hot flush of indignant rage at being ordered around like a petulant child came over Janeway. With delicate hands firmly rooted on her hips, her chiseled jaw lifted in defiance at the cool blonde making her way back towards the now thoroughly incensed Captain.

"Herbal tea. You will subsidize your intake with this" Janeways mouth formed a thin line as Seven placed the drink in her hand.

"I will do nothing of the sort. You aren't my mother, or my spouse for that matter, and you have no right to dictate the amount of coffee in drink in a day!" she spat letting her long concealed bitterness get the better of her. Regret washed over her immediately at the hurt that shadowed Sevens face.

"Seven I-" the rest of her statement was cut off as seven raised her hand. Seven stared intensely into Janeways eyes for several moments, her jaw tightening and relaxing.

"It was not my intention to anger you, or make demands of you. It was merely a suggestion. "

Janeway was frozen in place as Seven raised a hand to cup her cheek.

"I have every right Kathryn. Your existence is necessary for my ability to function. I am not your mother and my marriage is irrelevant in this matter. Your disregard for your health 'hurts' me."

Tears pricked Janeways eyes as she struggled against the surge of emotion. Seven was studying her face intently. They were on the brink of something monumental. Seven leaned forward slowly her breath ghosting across Kathryn's lips.

"Chakotay to Seven of Nine" Seven sighed gustily, and rested her forehead against Kathryns. Keeping one palm cupping a warm cheek, she opened a channel with the other.

"Proceed Commander"

"The shuttle is prepared for departure. The only thing missing is you"

"Acknowledged. I'll be there momentarily" Closing the channel she pulled back and looked into tear filled eyes.

"I must go. Kathryn...I... I will see you when the mission is completed. Drink your tea."

Janeway pressed her lips together in a facsimile of a smile and nodded not trusting herself to speak. She watched the tall blonde turn and walk through the automatic doors. As soon as they swish closed Janeways legs gave out. She sank to the chair behind her. Her mind was racing and trying to grasp the reality of what had just happened. Seven had almost kissed her. A giddy and possibly slightly hysterical laugh burst from her all felt like a dream. She has wanted this for so long. It didn't matter that Seven was married, she said herself that her marriage was irrelevant. All that mattered was the feeling of Sevens hands on her face and breath on her lips. Janeway could throttle that Chakotay for interrupting them!

Janeway spent hours happily daydreaming, imagining a life with Seven; Marriage, children and little everyday things. Her heart swelling with all the hope and love she tried so hard to suppress. Lost in a happy glow, she almost didn't hear the frantic hail coming over her com badge.

Her entire body felt numb with fear, her legs working as a seemingly separate entity carrying her to sickbay. The swish of opening doors was lost under the blood pounding in Janeways ears.  
Chakotay was kneeling in the floor clutching a broken and bleeding Seven to his chest. Janeway looked to the doctor desperately hoping for a positive sign, instead only receiving a grim shake of the head. Legs like molten lead carried her slowly to Sevens side. Horrifying pops and clicks echoed in sevens chest as she desperately gasped for air. Dropping gracelessly to her knees Kathryn lifted a trembling hand to sevens forehead. At the first brush of her fingertips Seven turned to Janeway. Panic and desperation filled Sevens blood spattered face as she clumsily lifted her hand to cradle Kathryns cheek. Never in Kathryn's life had she seen such terror reflected in someone's eyes. A stream if crimson bubbled up past Sevens lips as she stared into Janeways eyes, frantically repeating her name over and over. Sevens hand began to weaken and slide down Janeways cheek, she pressed the blood slicked palm firmly against her face.  
"Shhh I'm here seven. Don't try to talk. Hang on. The next breath will be easier. I promise."

Admiral Janeway shuddered as she remembered seeing the life go out of Sevens eyes. She had spent years trying to forget that day, but night after night she would wake covered in sweat with Sevens voice ringing in her ears. Chakotay had never forgiven her and the look of betrayal on his face was burned into her memory.  
Aboard Voyager her sanctuary became the airlock, hand hovering over the panel that would release the doors. She would stand listing the reasons not to press the button that would jettison her into space.  
In the end it was her obsessive need to get her crew home and assuage the guilt that slowly ate her alive.  
What finally returned to the Alpha Quadrant was nothing but a rank.  
Her biggest regret was not having the courage to tell seven that she loved her. It haunted her every moment. It was her sole motivation for devising this insane plan. If nothing else she owed Seven and herself the truth.  
-


End file.
